an addendum

A quick addendum, in response to a couple sincere – and, I think, important queries:

“Where does one draw the line between ‘being honest’ and ‘complaining’?”

That can be such a very tough distinction to make! No emotionally healthy person enjoys listening to complaints (nor, for that matter, enjoys making them). And certainly for me, and I know for many others, one of the biggest hindrances to being honest (and thus, to not being dishonest) about ‘how one is doing’ is the fear of sounding like one is complaining. 

Not least in a culture that conditions us to only ever hear a chipper response in reply to “How are you?”

Many years ago I read a quotation that rang deeply true: “Life is 2% of what happens to you, and 98% what you do with it.” I have been blessed with a sufficient number of incredible older persons in my life who have been through unimaginable trials, and yet who are some of the most joyous – as well as the wisest & kindest – people I know. Through them has been repeatedly modelled to me that we have a choice when tough things, unfair things, inexplicable hard things, happen: we can be bitter about it, or, refuse to become bitter despite it. Bitterness is insidious – it seeps into other parts of your life, it curdles things, it is unpleasant to be around, it – as a favourite author wrote -- turns a Person into a Grumble.

Refusing to become a bitter person does not mean there is no place for anger, for frustration, for crying out “this is not fair” – as some of you know, perhaps the best model there is of someone doing this necessary-for-mental-health-and-internal-honesty venting is the Psalms. But choosing to not be bitter means choosing to not rest, to not revel, in that space…it means being honest enough to not only acknowledge the ugly, but also honest enough to acknowledge the Good that is also in your life too – and then choosing for that Good be a bigger part of what defines who you are, and how you live, than the tough and ugly.

This can be hard to do on one’s own, and I personally don’t believe we are supposed to. I think that we are supposed to live in community with one another, to help each other carry the burdens (which can’t be done if they are hidden!) and highlight the joys – as you who are reading this already do for Greg & me.  

(nb. A whole different dimension is added to this discussion when also addressing the massive challenge of mental health, and the warriors in our lives who have to fight that battle as well…for them, more than ever, is the strength of community needed -- a strength which can only materialize if the community listens to those warriors, as well as supports them).